I thought I would
do something a bit different using this blog as more of a ‘what has been on my
mind lately’ than just being more or less informative of the adventures I have
been having here in China. Don’t get me wrong, I love writing about these events
and trying to give them as much detail as possible. Bear with me on this one
though; it may be long, but hopefully you get through it and understand that
this trip has been so much more than just a mere studying abroad opportunity.
It has helped me grow not only academically; but I think more importantly, spiritually
and socially as well. Before I get started, I think it only does it justice to
give some background on my past and what ultimately led me to make the big decision
to embark on this opportunity in China. This is pretty personal, and I am not
sure really if anyone knows how I really felt through my first couple years of
college; but I feel like this experience really has made me understand it all.
Hopefully you can get through it without skipping too much of it =]
So
there I was first day of college, finally having my big boy pants on ready to
tackle whatever was thrown at me. I was really enjoying the whole experience,
was going to a great school with my best friend and brother Logan, had a great
girlfriend, amazing relationship with Christ, and honestly just loving life
like any college student should be. Although my faith was tested time after
time that first year of college, I felt like I was still making it a priority
to be that Godly man I was taught to be, but also that I wanted to be.
Most of you know
that my relationship with my girlfriend in the beginning of the summer after my
freshman year came to an end after dating for almost four and half years…I put
these dots here because this is the point where I felt like I was stuck in a
deep ravine struggling to pull myself out. Now I know that looking back, I honestly
believe that it was my fault that the relationship ended, but getting out of
the ravine seemed like a pretty daunting task. What made it so hard for me was
that she wasn’t just my girlfriend, she was my best friend. It may sound hard
to believe, but other than Logan, I can honestly say that after my first year
of college, I did not really have many people to confide in while at school.
Making good friends at such a big school proved harder to me than I originally
thought =/ She also kept me in check when it came to my faith, and to this day,
I still cannot thank her enough for that.
Now
I only say this because this whole thing really affected my decision to go on
this trip. Needless to say, I lost that person in my life that seemed to keep
me on track…and my sophomore year, I would honestly say I wasn’t myself…
This
is where I began to struggle the most. From that point forward; the decisions I
made, and the person I saw myself as was because of me and not anyone else. I
found it hard to understand God’s plan for me, doubting Him for choices I was making,
and not really allowing myself to be open with new people. This stunted any
opportunities I may have had to grow and move on with a near-sighted attitude.
I did not want to meet new people, have fun at parties, and really just stayed
to myself. This may come to a surprise to people, but I was able to put on a
happy face because frankly I was really good at it, and it made other people
happy.
School
just seemed to add to the stress as well. After a decent freshman year, classes
seemed to be getting best of me, and my grades showed it. I would often
complain to my parents how stressed out I was and all this time. I felt as if I
was being suffocated with this work load, and no one seemed to be able to help
me. It was at this moment when I started to really think about this China trip
as a way to really start over, as a way to find myself. The more I thought
about the opportunities it could bring me, the more it seemed like an amazing
plan to pursue it. I started thinking to myself why it sounded better to me now
versus at the beginning of the semester. I began to ask myself questions like:
Would I have done this if I was still in a relationship? What opportunities
will this open to you? What reasons would keep you from pursuing this? Are
these reasons justified, or do they just stem from uncertainty and being
scared? So many questions…and then I was asked by someone who went on this trip
two years ago, “Why not?” It was something this simple that gave me the final
push to send in my deposit reserving me a spot for China 2013. As I am writing
this I would say, one of the best decisions I have made in my young 21 years as
I will explain later.
After accepting
that I was headed half way around the world in less than a year, my mindset
seemed to change. I was actually happy again =] I really started to trust that
God had a plan for me again. I ended that year pretty close to a few of my
fraternity brothers but no one really outside my house minus some friends from
home. After feeling like I ended the year well, a bomb shell was dropped on me
in the form of me losing my internship that I worked hard to get. I again felt
like I was pretty subpar with what everyone thought of me. I really was pretty
hurt, and felt like I was again lost so deep in a ravine, that no one could
help me out. Thank the Lord for my brother, Nate, who was able to get me a job
in Indy that I absolutely loved. I was also able to live with one of my best
friends from middle school and his sister. It really was a great summer looking
back at it.
It started to make
me look at where all my doubts were coming from, why I had lost my motivation
to be that person that so many people looked up to. Simply put, I had lost my
foundation in who I was in Christ. I looked back on why I felt like I couldn’t
climb out of that hole. It was because I was doing all the work myself. God was
just waiting for me to stop being so selfish, to understand that He is more
than willing to lend the helping hand, and to realize that He does have a plan
for me.
I took this mindset
into my first semester as a junior, and although I still struggled with school;
I was able to have the most fun I have had in college thus far. The semester
came to an end which meant that my trek to China just got very real. My
original questions crept back into my head about why I decided to go, but this
time the uncertainty and nerves seemed to fade as quickly as they came. It
almost felt like at this point during winter break that God had been preparing
me for this trip. I honestly had no nerves leading up to leaving in early
January. This was the first time where I felt at peace with myself, that all
the struggles I had leading up to this were for something, and that God knew
what He is doing with my life even if I didn’t.
The weekend before
the big day of departure, I went to a New Year’s party with some of my best
friends from middle school. While I was there, I was able to talk with Matt,
who had done this China trip the previous year, and Bryan, who had also had
done a studying abroad. They both just gave me more confidence that I was
making the right decision while also telling me this: “This experience will
change you as a person.” Although not understanding what they really meant by
that, I thanked them for reassuring that this was the right choice for me. The
night ended with good times and somewhat sad goodbyes as I wouldn’t be seeing
them for an entirety of a semester.
The day came that
I was to leave for China, and I had only high expectations for what was to come
knowing that God had my back in whatever was to happen. I boarded the plane
with confidence knowing that although I was leaving my family behind, I would
be making a new one with my fellow students on the trip. The plane made a soft
landing after an 18 hour flight, and the new adventures became a reality.
I am writing this
finally understanding what both Bryan and Matt were talking about before I left.
“This experience will change who you are as a person.” It is somewhat of a hard
thing to explain, but I will try my best to explain at least what this
experience has taught me. If you have read my other blog posts, you know that
my adventures have taking me far and wide in this strange country. I was able
to get to the middle of China on my own only knowing a handful of Chinese
words, I played soccer with an entire team of Asians (they are pretty good), I
drank a beer in the tallest bar in the world, I have traveled countless miles
in a subway beneath Shanghai being completely confident I will get off at the
right stop each time, I have been able to keep my faith in a country where my
faith causes much controversy, I befriended a complete stranger on a 14 hour
train ride to the point where he was inviting us for dinner the next day (he
spoke almost no English), I have climbed a famous mountain, I have ridden a
bike on top of 1400 year old wall, I have visited an army that has been dead
for hundreds of years, I have done many things that I wouldn’t have dared to do
or even thought I would be doing my freshman year of college. I have grown so
much as a person, as a student, and as a Christian.
Coming to China
has not just been a studying abroad experience. It has shown me that the small
town of New Haven, Indiana is not actually the center of the world. I was a
person who doubted he wanted to live outside of this small town, as amazing as
it sounds; now see that opportunities live in all parts of the world: not only
for work, but for spiritual outreach as well. I know now that I am a stronger
individual, and I am giving myself credit for once. Again this feeling, it
truly is hard to explain…its like a feeling of being happy all the time, even
when you aren’t, knowing that through all the struggles, TRULY KNOWING, that God
is that backing you always needed and will always have.
Hopefully you have
caught on to why my choice to go to China and my experiences while I have been
here were and are so important to me. Looking
back to see what got me here only reassures me that I am where I need to be =]
I lost my best friend who kind of held me together, struggled in school,
struggled with new relationships, and lost an internship. These things may not
sound too extreme compared to other trials, but it still was enough to question
really everything. Finally realizing its not about myself but rather about Him,
I got a new internship that I loved, faith was stronger, new friends, came to
China, gained a new family, faith has never been stronger. Not saying that
losing my best friend was a good thing, and not at all what I was feeling at
the time, it was definitely something that I wouldn’t change even if I could!
It just proves that through struggle, positives still arise =]. I understand
that there will be many more struggles to come, but I can only smile knowing I have
a great group of friends, family, and most of all God that has my back =]
My overall goal of sharing this with everyone is to instill two
things!!
1.
Don’t
let new challenges or experiences seem intimidating, there is always something
to learn from each of them
2.
Do
not doubt God’s plan for you! Understand that you will be put through trials
but will ultimately be okay =]
I truly hope that sharing this has
been beneficial to you somehow, even if it was just to put a smile on your face
with the reassurance of God’s love and grace for you.
One more thing before I head out =]
The Easter service that I went to was so fulfilling today. Seeing a couple
hundred people from literally all over the world singing and rejoicing for the
raising of Jesus from the dead put me in awe. It gave me goosebumps just seeing
all of God’s people of many denominations under one roof for the same reason…it
is definitely a sight I will never forget! One of the important verses that was
used in the sermon was “Philippians 4:13” which I feel is so fitting for what I
have shared.
“I
can do everything through Him who gives me strength”
-Philippians
4:13
Hope all is well =]
Cheers from China!
Corbin
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